After I wrote this a couple of days ago I thought it might be too sad so I took it down. It is not meant to be sad but just to let people how I feel. I also don't think of it as being sad but just what is runnng through my mind during this time. Sometimes I even feel a bit rediculous because in the grand sceme of things, Veronica having a weak arm really isn't that big of a deal considering the doctors thought she might have had brain damage and/or menengitis.I keep reminding myself of this over and over again, it could be worse, it could be worse.. Although sometimes I just feel that this is "worse". But as someone has reminded me, she is never going to remember or know about today or if she even has the operation tomorrow. She won't remember any pain she might go through.
She is a determined little fighter! Even this morning while I was blow drying my hair in the bed room she was lying on our bed fidling with a piece of the hair dryer. She got bored, saw one of our stuffed animals and proceded to kick and inch her way towards it until she could grab it, in the mean time trying to drag the hair dryer piece with her other hand. I moved the stuffed animal, she looked at me and then proceeded to try and grab the duvet, and continued kicking and trying to inch herself closer to that. It was funny to watch her do all this. This morning we have been playing and she has been laughing away! The greatest sound ever!!!
So, with all that being said I am reposting what I wrote but with a more positive outlook today. Yes, these next couple of days are going to be very difficult, lots of tears will be (and already have been) shed, but Mike and I are very lucky we have each other to lean on and get support from. It is odd but reassuring that in such a difficult time it really does bring you closer together and I feel so lucky to have Mike as my husband. Yay for Blessings!
- of course it is miserable outside.. cold, overcast - hopefully the rain will hold off until we get to the hotel!
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Today is a big day. At 2:15 pm we meet with the doctor and he will examine Veronica, her arm and decide whether our dumpling needs surgery. At times this seems so unreal and overwhelming that I feel sick and am almost paralized by fear and worry that she be ok. I just want her to get better and not be held back in her life by anything. I want her to be able to lift her arm high enough to put her hair in a ponytail, bring food up to her mouth without relying on her other hand, turn a page in a book... What if her arm doesn't grow properly, it looks different, will she be made fun of, will she be self consious, shy, will this effect how she sees herself and what she perceives she can and cannot do??? All these thoughts race through my mind and then I tell myself to STOP IT.
In her short 3.5 month life she has learned to work with her arm and has made great improvements on its mobility. Looking at her I cannot believe that when she ws born she could only wiggle her fingers - and even then only a little bit. She has already come such a long way and continues to get better. She doesn't know any different and when she can't do something with that arm I have seen her figure out a way to do it anyways. One of the great things about this happening as a baby is she is only just discovering her surroundings and learning to play so I am able to manipulate her environment to force her to use her arm.
I believe that everything she has been through will teach her to be determined, stubborn, to work hard, not be held back, if you want something figure out how to get it and do it. As I look at her right now playing and chatting away, shoving her hands in her mouth, kicking her little legs - one sock already pushed off - I know that despite my moments of fear and worry I would not change her for anything in the world. No matter what happens this weekend she will be fine.
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